trapped

Funny, how sometimes cause and effect can change places. "I'm sorry, I didn't call because I didn't feel very well," when really it's the other way round. I couldn't bring myself into calling, afraid that my faulty mechanisms would make me trap myself during this conversation. Again. I would promise to come and help, probably even tomorrow, when even thinking about going there makes me scared and angry at myself. I can never say "no" and stick to it, I always agree for whatever you want from me, because when we are talking and you ask, I can never think of any logical argument against it. "I just don't feel like it" isn't enough, because when I'm sitting next to you you are important and I'm not, my feelings don't matter, stupid fears and sadnesses, you need me and this is all that matters. Somebody needs my help, needs me, I push away everything that's not empathy and I try to help, and hope this is enough to make me a proper human being, one that is not useless, but needed, and if I do as much as I possibly can, maybe it will be enough for you to accept me, love me, be proud of me. Maybe it will be enough even for me to accept and love and be proud of myself...
That's how it used to work, but nowadays I find myself unable to do anything so big as spending two days helping you. I just can't, and I know it, and at the same time I still cannot refuse (I know, I tried and it didn't work). So I sit here and feel like shit, afraid of picking up my phone and dialling your number. I should have phoned you, it's your birthday, and when we talked last time I said that I would probably have time this week and I can come, and I'll phone you and we'll just discuss the details. Yet I'm afraid, because I don't know how to say "no, I can't" and I always do my best to keep my word and I just cannot go, and I can't see any way out of this, and all rational thought is gradually drowning beneath a wave of self-hatred. God, what an idiot I am.


Writing all this helped for a moment, but not for long. And this is where the urge to do something really stupid gets far too strong. It's ironic, how those really close and important people can - completely involuntarily - become a trigger for a breakdown.


It seems that no matter what I choose, I'll fail you this way or another. And this is what I cannot cope with, either: in my family it was my dad who used to fail us, and it was one of the causes for mom to reject him, eventually. I'm afraid I'll get rejected, too.

I've just read the leaflet about the pills I'm supposed to take when I feel so bad. Now I don't know what scares me more: all my thoughts or the list of possible side effects.