lost

I feel lost. Again. I reread books that count as "safe" - they don't require thinking, and they are interesting enough that I don't fall asleep after the first few sentences. Good way of killing time. Why do it? Because when I have so much time, I get lost. Having to decide what to do with my time, my whole life, scares the hell out of me. When I have some external activities - anything that involves other people and specific time and place - I can usually deal with it (unless it's a visit to my family. I managed to avoid one today by being awake the whole last night, and sleeping through most of the following day. Not that I don't love them, I just couldn't bring myself to face another battery of questions about my master's thesis, mostly why I haven't finished it yet). It is when I have a whole day to organise for myself that I get lost and scared. I just don't know what to do, so - as my instinct advises - I hide, mostly by sleeping through most of the day, and switching off my brain by reading when I cannot sleep any longer.
I don't like the way I live. However, I don't see how could I change it. I feel trapped, immobilised by my fears, and I know that if nothing changes soon, I'll start to hate myself again. For being such a stupid, lazy coward. I know I have quite a lot of talents, but what's the point of having them if I don't use them?